


Secret

by Lotolle



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-13 03:06:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7960024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotolle/pseuds/Lotolle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers have fallen, and they're hiding out in Wakanda, but maybe what Steve saw in that footage isn't the biggest secret that's about to be discovered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Do You Want?

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea in my head for a little while, and I wanted to write it out or draw it, so I finally got it done. Here's a little bit of it, in case anyone wants to read it.

     Tony had fallen asleep on the couch again. It wasn’t a rare occurrence, really, especially not after a stressful day. A rough mission, or a particularly difficult project usually led to Tony passing out before he could reach his bedroom. Now, he had more than a few reasons to be stressed. After all, the downfall of the Avengers wasn’t exactly something they had walked away from without a care in the world. Tony lay utterly still, body curled towards Tasha as she brushed her fingers through his hair lazily, watching over him and counting every breath he took. Moments like this brought back memories for her. Dark memories that neither had ever shared with anyone else. Sleeping in small, cramped closets, trying their best to stay hidden. She remembered once when they hid away in a crate, and she had to sleep in shifts to make sure no one would find them. Things were a little bit easier now, though honestly, not by much.  
     Suddenly, Tony shifted in his sleep and sat up.  
     “Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Tasha greeted in a song-song tone, and her lips curled into a smile.  
     Tony grunted and rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, whatever,” He yawned, and his mouth opened so wide that it made his jaw hurt. “What time is it?”  
     “Five.”  
     “In the morning?” Tony’s brows knitted together, and he checked his pockets for his phone.  
     “Yep.”  
     “You been watching me the whole time?”  
     “Yeah. You talk a lot in your sleep,” Tasha shook her head, and Tony rolled his eyes at her.  
     “I do not.”  
_“Nat, turn off the turkey,”_ She replied in a mocking, groggy tone, and Tony shoved at her arm.  
     “I did not say that!”  
     Tasha giggled, and Tony was starting to wonder if he had, in fact, been rambling about turkeys in his sleep.  
     “Steve wants to talk to you,” Tasha kept her smile poised, but there was a tentative glint in her eyes.  
     Tony let out a playful groan. “He’s such an old man. Who wakes up this early in the morning to talk?”  
     “You know, _that’s_ why he punches you.”  
     “Uh, no, he punches me because he’s a jerk who likes punching things,” Tony rubbed his hands over his face, and shook his head, trying to wake himself up more.  
     “Try not to get hit. I’m not getting between you two every time you fight.”  
     “But Tasha,” Tony pouted at her and whined then grinned. “Relax, I’m a very durable guy.”  
     “You’d almost _have_ to be.”  
     Tony frowned and looked around the room. It was a little odd, being a guest, but he also kind of liked it. After the mess with the Accords, it wasn’t safe for the team to stay in the States, which meant they had all left while Tony stayed behind. Wakanda wouldn’t extradite the Avengers. Or, former Avengers, rather. It was safe for them there.  
There was a soft knock at the door, and Tony went to answer. Tasha watched carefully, ready for a fight despite how tired she was. Tony pulled open the door, and there stood Steve. He gave a curt little nod, looking every bit like a teenager awaiting a scolding.  
     “Stark.”  
     “Can you just call me Tony? ‘Stark’ makes me feel like I’m in trouble,” Tony paused. “Am I in trouble?”  
     “Not yet. I wanted to talk,” Steve cast a quick glance at Tasha, then back to Tony. “You know, alone?”  
     “Oh, I see how it is,” Tasha spoke up, looking playfully offended. “Fine, but if you make a mess on my couch…”  
     Tony laughed, and Steve shook his head with a fond smile.  
     “We’ll clean it up.”  
     “You’d better,” She gave them both a look, pointing from her eyes to them, and then went down the hall, back to her room. Steve waited a moment before stepping in, and pushed his hands into his pockets.  
     “I umm, about Zemo…”  
     “I forgive you,” Tony cut in, and closed the door behind Steve to give them some privacy.  
     “No, that’s not what I was gonna say.”  
     “Oh, well then I take my forgiveness back. Drink?”  
     “You got anything good?”  
     “Uhh, of course,” Tony replied like it should have been obvious, and he walked over to the bar, though all the liquor bottles there were mostly for show. Wakandans weren’t in the habit of keeping alcohol just laying around without an occasion. Tony opened the mini-fridge, freshly stocked with soft drinks and juices.  
     “Prune, to help your digestion?”  
     Steve pursed his lips, and gave Tony an un-amused look. He took the hint, and held out a small bottle of orange and carrot instead.  
     “There, you old fart,” Tony grabbed a bottle of water for himself, and sat across from Steve at the bar.  
     “Hey, show your elders some respect,” Steve took the juice, but didn’t open it right away. “Okay, I am a _little_ sorry about the mess with Zemo. Only a little.”  
     “Well, I wouldn’t know you if you were all the way sorry.”  
     “Why didn’t you tell me?”  
     Tony stopped and looked at Steve. “Seriously? You’re going to give _that?”_  
     “This is bigger than me not telling you how your parents died, Tony. Fury knew about that, Tasha knew, and I’m starting to wonder how you didn’t know sooner.”  
     Tony shrugged and took a quick gulp of his water. “I’m lucky, I guess.”  
     “Tony,” Steve leaned on the bar, watching Tony with a solemn look. “Nobody knew about _you.”_


	2. Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cards are on the table, and now, all they need are answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the positive response to this fic! I was really nervous about posting, so I've decided to give you guys some more now. After this, the chapters will be going up once a week, so stay tuned! 
> 
> I would also greatly appreciate some solid critique from you. What you think I can improve and change about the fic, and if you have any spare ideas laying around, feel free to send them to me!

     Tony stared down into the black marble bar, following some of the fine gold cracks in the otherwise perfect surface.

     “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

     “The truth would be nice,” Steve looked at Tony expectantly, like an angry soccer mom after her kid loses a game.

     “Guess it would.”

     “Tony.”

     “Yeah, I know, I know,” Tony licked his lips anxiously. “We’ll do it this way: what do you want to know?”

     “Everything,” Steve replied, growing more impatient.

     Tony scoffed. “Of course you do, can’t make this easy.”

     “You didn’t make it easy on me either.”

     Tony finally raised his gaze, and looked at Steve. “…you know, for a little while, they were teaching me to see you as the enemy. Back during the war, you were a threat to them, and even when they thought you were dead, they wanted me to know that threats aren’t taken lightly.”

     Steve pressed his lips into a fine, angry line, and Tony could see the fury building in his eyes.

     “Tony, I’m…”

     “Don’t apologize. Please, for once, keep up that bad habit,” Tony gave a bitter smile.

     Steve traced his thumb along the side of his juice bottle, and by God, those sad baby blues looked so deep. Tony stared into them for a moment, then looked back at the marble.

     “Do you remember what happened?” Steve was hesitant to ask, but he was also dying to know.

     Tony shook his head. “No. I know people think that I do, like some kind of repressed nightmare, but I don’t. My earliest memory is being in a cell. They never told me what actually happened. They told me it was an accident, and that they saved me. Hell, I didn’t even know Howard was involved with SHIELD until Nick brought it up.”

     “That long, huh?”

     “Yeah. It’s not hard to lie to somebody when they have no basis for the truth. They were all I knew, so they were the ones I trusted.”

     “Then why leave?”

     “Bucky told me to keep Tasha safe. ‘Stay together, and protect each other until I find you again.’ I wasn’t,” Tony’s voice faltered slightly, and he felt a knot forming in his throat. “I wasn’t going to let him down.”

     Steve hummed in response, and nodded slowly. Tony could tell there were more questions on his mind, and he could guess which one was at the front and center of Steve’s curiosity: _why did you laugh?_ Tony’s gaze went distant for a moment, and suddenly, he was standing back in the abandoned base with Steve, Bucky, and Zemo. They had broken friendships, lost allies, and ensured the fall of the Avengers to the deepest levels. There was no going back after this, and Zemo had one more trick up his sleeve. Before them sat a laptop, with a single video pulled up for them to see. Bucky had his scope trained on Zemo, and Steve stood at his side, ready for a fight. Tony’s eyes, meanwhile, were fixed on the screen, watching every second of grainy terror as a car crashed, and two innocent people were killed. And there was the Winter Soldier, cold and unfeeling, as he picked a crying child out of the wreckage.

 _“Do you remember that night, Tony?”_ Zemo spoke up when the video ended _. “Do you remember the sound of your mother’s screams?”_

     Steve fully expected rage. He expected Tony to attack them, to demand answers. Instead, he laughed. Zemo frowned, clearly taken aback by this reaction.

 _“Seriously?”_ Tony aimed his blaster at Zemo, and fired.

     “Tony?”

     Tony blinked, and quickly looked back at Steve.

     “You still with me?” There was a concerned glow in Steve’s eyes, and Tony couldn’t lie, it made him feel a little special to see that.

     “Yeah. I was just thinking,” Tony shrugged dismissively.

     Steve nodded, unbelieving, and opened his mouth to talk again.

     “Why did I laugh? That’s what you want to know, right?”

     Steve pursed his lips, and gave Tony a guilty look.

     “I didn’t wanna just come out and say it.”

     Tony gave Steve a wicked little smile. “Aww, were you worried about my feelings?”

 _“Yes,”_ Steve looked at Tony so earnestly, it was almost painful. “Look, I know we’re not best friends, but I care about you. I care about everybody on the team. And just cause I’m not Captain America anymore doesn’t mean I stop worrying.”

     “Now you’re just being embarrassing,” Tony took a slow drink from his water then sniggered. “Come on, you can’t tell me it wasn’t ridiculous. I mean, do _you_ have memories from before you were a year old? Of course I laughed at that.”

     “And that was it?”

     Tony was trying not to laugh again, though now, there was an edge of nervousness to it.

     “It was just…I remember Bucky, and I remember Tasha. I remember training with them, I remember running away with Tasha, and stealing food so we could survive. I remember us planning every move we made, trying to figure out how we were going to get back to the U.S. so we could have a chance at being safe. I don’t remember my parents. I don’t have anything to miss about them, Rogers. When Zemo showed me that video, I was honestly more surprised that I didn’t feel anything for them.”

     Steve didn’t look too happy to hear that, but at least it was an answer.

     “You almost killed the guy, you know.”

     “He had it coming,” Tony replied venomously. “Zemo came after the people I care about most. You don’t get to do that and walk away in one piece.”

     Steve smiled a bit, almost proud. “That’s one thing I can always count on from you.”

     “Damn straight,” Tony raised his water in a self-toast.

     “Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve’s voice was softer this time, less accusatory than it had been the first time he asked.

     Tony looked into Steve’s eyes, trying to think of the least insulting way to answer this. He deserved to know the truth, especially after everything they’d been through but what was Tony supposed to say?

     “What would you have done if I did? Would you even believe me? Hey Steve, did you know I was kidnapped by Hydra, brainwashed, and then rescued by the Winter Soldier. Oh, you don’t know who that is? Well…”

     “I would have listened to you, Tony,” Steve interrupted sternly.

     “And then what?” A weak chuckle bubbled in Tony’s throat. “Was it stupid to keep this a secret? Not really, cause I don’t know who to trust. I don’t have code-words like Tasha and Bucky do, but that doesn’t mean I want everybody knowing. I didn’t want to tell you because our friendship was on thin ice as it was, and a confession like that wasn’t gonna help.”

     “I trust you, Tony.”

     “Yeah, you do _now._ Just like now, I trust you, too, but that doesn’t do anything for our pasts.”

     Steve’s brow furrowed, and he looked away from Tony, upset.

     “…I’m sorry, Steve. Things should have been different.” 

     “No kidding,” Steve huffed, rolling the juice bottle between his hands. “Why didn’t Tasha say anything before?”


	3. Long Chat and More to Discuss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Might as well get everything out now. Clearly, keeping secrets wasn't the best idea for anybody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much everyone! I enjoy every comment, and a big thank you to the people who had been reading the fic and giving me feedback! I will be updating the current chapters as I make some changes. Feel free to keep giving me ideas, and telling me what you think! <3

    Tony just clicked his tongue and tapped his fingers on the bar.  

  
    “You don’t know either, huh?”

  
    “I honestly couldn’t say. I thought you’d know. I thought Zemo would know. You and Nat got so close, I thought she told you a long time ago.”

  
    “She’s better at keeping secrets than you give her credit for,” Steve waited a moment before daring to ask his next question. “How bad was it?”  

  
    Tony didn’t bother to keep himself from laughing this time. He shook his head, and pressed his forehead into his hands.

  
    “Sorry,” Steve sputtered, worried that this was the question that crossed the line, but Tony waved him off.

  
    “Don’t be,” Tony looked back up again, and caught his breath. “In simple terms, it was hell. And when you’re a kid going through their regiments, it’s worse.”

  
    “Why take you? The hell could they want with a kid?”

  
    “I wasn’t the first kid they ever took, Steve. I was just a convenience. Howard was a threat but me? They could use me.”

  
    “But this was after they fell. How do you keep something this big a secret?”

  
    “I think you’re forgetting that Obadiah was still alive at the time,” Tony finished off his coffee.

  
    “The guy who worked with Howard. He worked for Hydra?”

  
    “No, but it turns out he and Pierce were close, and they talked a lot. Pierce promised him money as long as Hydra could keep me for a couple years.”

  
    Steve clenched his jaw, and his face scrunched. He gripped onto his juice so hard that the plastic creaked, and he quickly released his hold to avoid a mess. It took Steve a moment to compose himself.

  
    “So you really don’t hate him? Bucky?”

  
    “I couldn’t hate him, Steve,” Tony’s voice was soft, verging on a whisper. “His was the first face I remember seeing. He was there when I got hurt and he was there to send me and Tasha off when we escaped. What happened sucks but he’s the one who saved us.”

  
    It was a relief to hear that from Tony, even if all these confessions were coming too late to change anything.

  
    “I was worried, you know. I didn’t know what kind of history you two had, and, I don’t know, maybe if I did, we could have planned better. I honestly thought you were gonna try to kill him, and I couldn’t let that happen.”

  
    “I figured,” Tony tried to be understanding, but he had some questions of his own that he wanted answered. He went quiet for a moment. “Did he…did he mention…?” Tony looked over at Steve so hopeful, so eager for some good news to latch onto. Steve however, looked hesitant.

  
    “You? No.”

  
    Tony pressed his lips together, and looked out the wall-sized windows. Suddenly, Steve was wondering if it wouldn’t have been better to lie just then. He liked to think he knew how Tony felt, seeing Bucky after so long only to be forgotten. Of course, it was different in Steve’s case. Bucky eventually remembered him, but Tony? Tasha? Either he’d forgotten them both, or he desperately wanted to.

  
    “I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sure he just couldn’t remember.”

  
    Tony gave a quick little nod. “Yeah,” He replied in a hushed voice, trying not to cry. He hated letting people see him cry, and he’d be damned if he started with Steve. An uncomfortable tension settled in the air so Steve decided to change the subject.

  
    “Does anybody know you’re in Wakanda?”

  
    “I umm, I told Pepper and Rhodey before I came by. They’re keeping up these fake agendas to keep Ross off my ass while I’m here,” Tony wiped his eyes, grateful for the shift in conversation.

  
    “How long are you staying?”

  
    “Three days.”

    “You know, maybe he’ll be awake when you come back.”

  
    “Yeah,” Tony didn’t seem too convinced of that, but he still hoped it could be true. “Anything else?”  

    “Tony,” Steve walked over and stood next to him. “Just because he didn’t ask doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.”

  
    Tony looked at Steve and his shoulders drooped. “Yeah. He just didn’t ask, didn’t try to get to me, and he didn’t…” Tony bit his lower lip then let out a dry laugh. _Fuck,_ he felt like crying so badly. “He looked at me like he was looking at anyone else off the street.”

  
    “He’ll remember you, Tony.”

  
    “If he ever wakes up.”

  
    “He _will_ , Tony.”

  
     It was hard to believe, honestly, though Tony couldn’t blame Bucky for wanting to stay in cryo; no amount of counseling would erase what he’d been through. Everything he’d done, all the people he’d hurt, it was too much for one man to shoulder alone. When Tony looked at Steve he expected to see hope in his eyes. He really wanted to believe what Steve was selling him - that all this would be over, and things would be great again. Instead, Steve looked just as exhausted as Tony felt. It was like Steve was talking for his own sake, trying to convince himself that this wasn’t goodbye forever. Maybe if he said it enough it would come true, like a wish on a star.

  
    “Things should have been different,” Steve heaved a sigh.

  
    “Yeah,” Tony looked out the window, watching a flock of birds trail through the sky. Such a beautiful, peaceful place and they couldn’t even enjoy it.

  
    “T’Challa told me they have some therapies they can try,” Steve spoke up again after a lapse of silence.

  
    “For Bucky?”

  
    “Yeah.”

  
    “Good. That’s good,” Tony nodded, and shifted on his feet. “He’s smart, you know. Weird, but smart.”

  
    “Smarter than you?” Steve’s lips quirked into a little smile and Tony chortled.

  
    “Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far, but yeah.”

  
    Steve nudged Tony’s arm, and they shared a good-hearted laugh.

  
    “You look tired, Steve.”

  
    “I feel tired.”

  
    “How have you been sleeping?”

  
    “’bout as well as you.”

  
    “Oh, whoa,” Tony’s eyes widened, and he shook his head.

  
    “Yeah.”

  
    “You tried talking to anybody?”

  
    “Like who?”

  
    “A shrink. Well, therapist. Shrink makes it sound bad.”

  
    “And therapist doesn’t?”

  
    “Have you?”

  
    Steve just shrugged absently. Tony took that as a no.

  
    “I know things are different for people with,” Steve gestured vaguely at his head, then stuffed his hands back into his pockets. “But I dunno. I know it’s probably a good idea, but actually doing it is different.”

  
    “Don’t drag your feet for too long.”

  
    “Look who’s talkin’.”

  
    “Hey, I have a therapist.”

  
    “And how long did it take you?” Steve looked at Tony, brow raised in question. Tony fidgeted a bit.

  
    “That’s…privileged information.”

  
    Steve snorted. “Shut up.”

  
    They both went quiet, watching the world outside. It was weird to think how everything else outside of them was still so peaceful. They’d fought on an airport runway and yet the world kept going. Except for all the people whose flights they messed up. Tony ran his tongue over his bottom lip and watched some storm clouds form on the horizon.

  
    “…I’m sorry.”  
    “Hmm?” Steve looked over at Tony, caught off guard. “What?”

  
    “I said I’m sorry,” Tony rubbed at his eyes. He felt ready to go back to bed, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. “About the Accords.”

  
    “Don’t be. You were doing what you thought was right, and it’s not like you didn’t have a good point.”

  
    “I was scared, Steve,” Tony frowned at himself. “I just…wanted everybody safe, and everything I’ve done to try and ensure that has blown up in my face.”


	4. We've Got a Long Way to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The air still needs some clearing, but at least they have a chance to catch their breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eee, thank you for the comments! I'm glad so many of you are liking the story. Keep giving me feedback, I love hearing from all of you~

    “Literally, a couple times,” Steve joked, trying to lighten the mood.  
    Tony gave a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah.”   
    “We’re supposed to disagree on stuff like this, Tony. That’s how we make sure that bad things don’t happen.”  
    “Cause that worked so well.”  
    “Well, maybe we could do a better job talkin’ it out first,” Steve stifled a yawn. “How’s Rhodey doing?”   
    “Good. I made him some synthetic legs to help with therapy. Doctor said it’ll be hard, but Rhodey just shrugged and said ‘war is hard. This is the easy stuff.’ And then he fell on his ass during the first therapy session.”  
    Steve tried not to laugh. “Sounds like a stubborn guy.”  
    “He is. He likes to get mad at me for that, but he’s worse.”  
    “What did he say when you told him you’d be coming?”  
    “He told me to punch you.”  
    Steve hunched his shoulders. “Sounds about right.”  
    “Nothing personal.”  
    “Except the fact that he almost died, and he for sure won’t be able to walk without help.”   
    “That wasn’t your fault.”  
    Steve looked at Tony, and saw the intense guilt in his eyes. “Then whose was it, yours?”  
    He wasn’t expecting that question. Tony let it swirl around in his head, and his first instinct was to say yes. It was his fault Rhodey got hurt. If he hadn’t told Vision to fire, if Rhodey hadn’t been up there, if…well, if a hundred different things hadn’t happened, Rhodey would be walking. Of course, Rhodey had also yelled at Tony for blaming himself for this. That wasn’t my first time flying. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Just bad luck.  
    “…no,” He finally replied in a hushed voice. Steve nodded, and the tension in his shoulders eased up.   
    “Good answer.”  
    They both went quiet again. Tony stared out the window for a good while, though he could tell Steve’s mind was still going, still wanting answers. There was so much he didn’t know, but he wasn’t sure what to ask.   
    Back at the abandoned base, Steve had thought he knew too much. After Tony shot Zemo, he wasn’t sure what he knew anymore. Tony looked back at Steve and Bucky, bruised, and on the brink of tears.   
    _“Go with T’Challa.”_  
    _“What?”_   
    _“You heard me Rogers, get out of here!”_   
    Steve knew they didn’t have much time to waste asking questions. Not now. He looked at Bucky then reached out to grab his shoulder.   
    _“We need to go.”_  
    Bucky and Tony locked gazes, and Steve wasn’t sure what to expect. Tony didn’t look angry as he stared Bucky down. Instead, he looked hurt. Had Steve known then what he knew now, it would have made a lot more sense. All this time, all this struggle, and Bucky hadn’t said a word about Tony. When Bucky didn’t react, Tony wrenched his gaze away from them both, and smashed the laptop.   
    “Tasha told you, right? I mean, after you guys left.”   
    “Yeah. We were on the jet, and I started asking her some questions. I didn’t think she knew as much as she did. She told me she remembered the day you were brought in.”  
    “Weird how I ended up looking twice her age,” Tony pouted.   
    “Serums have a way of keeping you young,” Steve mustered up a smile. “God, just…I didn’t know. I thought I knew so much about her, come to find out, I know jack-shit.”   
    “How much did she tell you?”   
    “A lot. Told me you two were basically raised together. They didn’t teach you to fight though, did they?”   
    Tony shook his head. “They didn’t need me to be combat ready. I wasn’t an asset like Tasha was, I was there for their convenience.”   
    “So, you speak Russian?”   
    Tony flashed Steve a cocky smile. “A little, and a little German. I know enough to understand when someone’s insulting me.”   
    “Damn, now I gotta pick up another language,” Steve groaned. Both of them chuckled and watched the sky change colors as the sun came up. It was nice, this moment of peace between them. Back when they first met, it was easy for Steve to assume Tony was just some punk that couldn’t be bothered to care. They couldn’t be alone in a room without bickering about something. Granted, things weren’t too different now, but at least Steve knew Tony better. He knew the bickering was Tony caring too much, worrying too much about things he couldn’t possibly control. They were a lot alike in that sense.   
    How old were you when you two got out?”   
    “Eleven. Tasha was just turning fourteen, I think.”   
    “Jesus.”     
    “I don’t know how old he was.”   
    Steve blinked, surprised by the response, and then he laughed.   
    “Idiot!”   
    “But you love me.”  
    “Someone has to.”   
    Tony gasped, and put a hand on his chest. “Rude!”   
    “But you love me,” Steve chided, and gave Tony a look. “Have you gone to see him?”   
    “No,” Tony replied quickly, and the moment of silliness was over. “I just got here and, you know.”   
    Steve put his hand on Tony’s shoulder. He wanted to offer some small comfort to Tony, anything that would help them feel better about this.   
    “You should, before you go back to New York.”   
    “Won’t matter.”   
    “It will to you.”   
    He wasn’t so sure about that, but Tony gave Steve a little smile.   
    “Yeah.”   
    It was a silent promise, one Tony wasn’t sure he could keep. He didn’t know if he was ready to see Bucky frozen like that again. He’d seen it before, when he misbehaved during a lesson. The Hydra agents shoved him against the cryo-chamber, and shown him what his fate would be if he didn’t learn to behave.   
    _“Stop crying, you useless brat!”_  
    If Bucky had been awake then, Tony knew he would have killed those agents. It was one of the reasons they worked so hard to keep Bucky away from Tony and Natasha: he cared too much about them. The first time a handler made the mistake of hitting Tasha, Hydra lost a handler. Bucky snapped the man’s neck so viciously, it was a surprise his head didn’t come off. When one of the tutors reprimanded Tony for his insubordinate behavior, Bucky nearly ripped off the man’s arm. Hydra could never understand why Bucky reacted this way, and sometimes, even Tony couldn’t. They were wiping Bucky’s mind enough to fry it, if it hadn’t been for his healing factor. And yet despite their best efforts, Bucky never forgot the kids. His kids. After a particularly harsh lesson, Bucky would sneak little treats for Tony and Tasha. He brought them candy, and even brought small toys when he could. Tony hadn’t been able to keep much from back then, though he did have a small, carved figurine of a milk-maid that Bucky had given him. Sometimes, remembering those days was like looking back on a dream. He knew it had happened, but there were times when it didn’t feel real.   
His earliest memory was of that cell. That small, white cell without windows, and only one door. He stared up at the near-blinding light overhead, and cried. He would cry a lot during his stay with Hydra, until he learned to swallow it back and do as he was told. Baby or no, he wasn’t treated differently than their regular assets. Tony could still remember being woken at ungodly hours every morning and being forced to remember their lessons.   
    _“We are shaping this world. There is no room for weakness.”_


	5. Wake up, please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's doubt, and still a lot of issues to work through. But maybe there's also a chance at reconciliation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, five chapters in! Thanks again to everyone who has helped me edit these chapters, and lots of love to those of you who are still reading this fic!

    He could remember other children there as well, children that he would later find out didn’t survive. What Hydra had them for, he wasn’t sure. It could have been medical experiments, or maybe they just liked having children around to torture. Whatever it was, the others never stuck around for very long. He remembered the first day when he met Tasha. It was a fuzzy memory, but he remembered standing behind his tutor, and Tasha was introduced to him.   
    _“She will protect you when you are released on assignment.”_  
    Tony looked up at the girl with fluffy red curls, and she stared back at him blankly. Even back then, she looked exhausted. Initiation into the Red Room was grueling, but that was only a tiny part of her training. She was being groomed to be a weapon with an innocent face, crafted to lure in targets and take them out. Despite this, Tony found himself clinging to her as they spent more and more time together. There was something about her that was comforting to Tony, even if it was so small that he couldn’t describe it. Her company reminded him that he wasn’t as alone as he felt. She would often sit in on his lessons, and they would learn Hydra’s doctrine together.   
    _“Cut off one head…”  
    “And two more take its place. Hail Hydra.”_  
    They would chant those words like a prayer every morning and every night. During one of their lessons, Tony had started crying. He couldn’t remember why, but it was making their tutor angry. The man shouted at him to stop, and Tony just hiccupped and cried harder. Tasha looked over at Tony, her calm veneer still poised, and wiped his tears on the hem of her dress.   
    _“Look at me,” She urged. “Look at me, Tony. Don’t cry.”_  
    For the longest time, she was the only one who could get him to calm down. She would hold Tony in her lap when he started to fuss during a lesson, and a few times, Tasha was allowed to sleep in his cell. She would watch him over as he slept, and hum a quiet little melody when he was restless. Hydra didn’t bother wiping her memories, since she was growing up under their direct influence anyway. They didn’t need to worry about her breaking the rules.   
    Or so they thought. When Bucky got them out of the base, it was the first time Tony had cried in years.   
    _“We can’t go without you!”  
    “You have to! Go with Natasha, and you listen to her. Stay together, and protect each other until I find you again.”_  
    Tony sniffled and shook his head, clinging to Bucky’s uniform. The alarms in the base were blaring, and they didn’t have much time. Tasha was petrified. She was disobeying Hydra, she was turning on everything she’d been told to obey.    
    _“Take him and run,”_ Bucky ordered. Tasha pressed her lips together, and picked Tony up in her arms. And they ran. They ran until they could no longer hear the base’s alarms, and until their legs had thoroughly chaffed. They didn’t have jackets to protect against the cold, and it got to Tony faster than it did Tasha; she had the aid of the serum she’d been given.   
    _“We’ll stop at the next town.”_  
    “I want Winter…”  
    “I know. I do too, but he gave us an order.”  
    They wouldn’t reach another town until early the next morning. They rested for scarce few minutes at a time, huddled up together against the cold. No one really paid them much mind. To an outsider, they were just two regular children dressed for mass. Tasha held Tony’s hand, and guided them through the alleys until they could get some food.   
    “Hey,” Tasha’s voice broke through his thoughts, and Tony snapped back to reality.   
    “Were you daydreaming?”   
    “Yeah,” Tony blinked rapidly, and reminded himself where he was. When he was.  
    “About what?” She handed him a mug of fresh tea, and Tony took a moment to enjoy how warm it felt in his hands. He often found himself thinking back on their childhood, and the things they had gone through. Sometimes, the thoughts would take over Tony, and he’d have to remind himself that he wasn’t there, that it was all over.   
    “Just…stuff.”   
    “When we got out?”   
    Tony nodded, and brought the mug to his lips. He let the vapors wash across his face and he closed his eyes. She knew him so well there was no point in pretending. She could read him like a kid’s book.   
    “Of all the times we could have escaped, we chose the dead of winter.”  
    Tasha smiled. “Could have been worse. We could have been further north,” She sipped her drink and sat on the couch beside Tony. He shuddered, just imagining them both completely covered in ice like ancient, frozen relics.  
    “Do you remember when we got onto that shipping freight?” Tasha watched the steam rise out of her mug. “And you kept getting sick?”   
    Tony retched. “Oh God, yes. I thought we’d be stuck on that damn ship forever.”   
    Tasha just laughed. “Me too, but we made it.”  
    “Somehow.”   
    “Have you gone to see him?”   
    Tony looked into his mug and took a slow sip.   
    “No.”  
    “Neither have I,” It wasn’t much, but it made them both feel better that neither had gone to see Bucky yet. They felt, oddly, like they’d failed him. All the trouble he went through to get them out, to keep them safe from Hydra, and this was where they ended up.   
    “Steve asked me if I would. Thought it might be good for me or whatever.”   
    “Maybe,” Tasha mused, and set her cup down. “I could go with you.”   
    Tony looked at her and suddenly he felt like he was eleven again. He reached a hand over to her and she reached back.   
    “I’m sorry, Tasha,” Tears glistened in Tony’s eyes, and he squeezed her hand.  
    “Me too,” Her voice was barely above a whisper.   
    They sat for a while, enjoying the other’s company before they finally went to see Bucky. He looked oddly serene, even frozen in that dumb container. T’Challa walked with them into the room and excused the staff.    
    “He should be safe to come out in a month or so, to begin therapy.”   
    “So soon?” Tasha looked at T’Challa, surprised, but Tony was focused on Bucky. He walked up to the container, and put his hand to the glass. There was a very faint chill that permeated it, but strangely, it wasn’t frosted over. He wanted so badly to get Bucky out of there, to just hold him and make sure everything would be okay. Do you remember me? It was the first question that kept springing to his mind. How could Bucky not remember them? Surely, he had to.  
    “Your friend is not the first with such deep traumas that Wakanda has treated. It will be a slow process, but he will heal,” There was promise in T’Challa’s eyes, and it felt reassuring to know that he wouldn’t give up. Tasha looked over at Tony then at Bucky.   
    “Thank you for this.”   
    “Please, it is the least I can do.”   
    “Can he hear me?” Tony spoke up just then.  
    “I am not sure, but it wouldn’t hurt to try,” T’Challa nodded his head at the container, trying to urge Tony on.  
    “Do you mind umm, giving us a minute?”   
    T’Challa smiled, and stepped out with Tasha into the hall. Tony looked back at the container and tried to figure out what he wanted to say.


	6. Go Back Home, We'll Try Again Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will things be when Tony leaves?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who has read my fic! Huge thank you to those of you who did critiques of the chapters as well, and helped me edit them!

    “I’m gonna be leaving in a couple days, but I’ll be back. I don’t know when, so…so try to be awake when it happens.” 

    There was no response. Of course there wasn’t, Tony wasn’t sure what he’d expected. He nodded to himself and blinked back some tears.

    “You’d better be awake when I come back,” His throat tightened, and his chin quivered. Suddenly, a million and one different fears started tearing through Tony’s mind. What if Bucky didn’t want to come back out? What if he couldn’t? What if Ross finally got to them, or Bucky died in the chamber? More scenarios kept piling on in Tony’s mind, and each got more gruesome and unrealistic than the previous one.

    His last two days in Wakanda were torturous, although getting ready to leave wasn’t a big relief either. Tony felt sure he was going to have a heart attack. He wanted to stay longer, wanted to be with his friends, but he couldn’t. Ross was getting tired of being put on hold or ignored by Pepper and Rhodey. It would be too risky if Tony stayed in Wakanda any longer than he already had. Even the three days he had spent there had been a stretch. The jet was ready early that morning, before the sun had started to rise. 

    “Come back soon,” Tasha rubbed Tony’s arm gently, and he smiled. 

    “You think I could stay away from here for long? It’s a technology-lover’s paradise.”  
      
    “Nerd.”

    Tony wrapped his arms around Tasha and squeezed her close. She returned the embrace and dropped her voice to a whisper. 

    “Stay safe.”

    “You too.” 

    They pulled back and Steve held out his hand to Tony. 

    “We’ll be here when you come back.” 

    “Hope so. I’m not chasing you guys all around the planet just to say hello,” Tony gave Steve a firm handshake and took one last look around. “Enjoy the scenery for me.”

    “Get out of here,” Steve swatted his hand at Tony and smiled. He and Tasha stepped off the tarmac as the jet took off. 

    “He gonna be okay?” Steve looked over at Tasha, trying to figure out what she was thinking.

    “I hope so. We’ve survived worse,” Tasha sounded certain in what she said, but she didn’t quite seem to believe it. The team had endured plenty, but they could always fall back on each other. They’d never had to go through something like this alone. Tasha looked up into the sky, watching as the jet got farther and farther away, until it was barely a speck. 

    _“Come on, Tony, wake up,”_ She shook his little shoulders, and glanced around the alleyway. _“We need to keep going. We’re still too close.”_

    _“I’m tired…”_ Tony whined, and looked up at her as he finally opened his eyes. It was freezing, and their clothes were wet with morning dew. Tony could see lines on Tasha’s cheeks from where she’d been crying. 

    _“I’m tired too, but we have to move. Winter told us to go.”_

    They made a promise: get out and stay safe. Now that the adrenaline of escape had thoroughly worn off, Tasha was beginning to doubt whether this was such a good idea. They had no supplies, no protection if Hydra found them again. Anyone here could be an agent, and they wouldn’t know until it was too late. The old man on the bench or the woman with her basket of fresh groceries. She watched all of them anxiously, and pulled Tony up to his feet. 

    _“Stay low.”_

    “Sir.” 

    Tony jolted awake and looked at the flight attendant. 

    “Sorry to wake you Mr. Stark, but we’re about to start our descent.”

    “Thanks,” Tony nodded at the young stewardess and rubbed at his eyes. He knew a good night’s rest in a real bed would do him good, but every time he closed his eyes, he just had more nightmares. Besides, naps were good enough. It wasn’t like he had anything urgent to do now anyway. He looked out the window and felt the plane start to come down. He’d have to call Pepper, make sure she knew he was okay. The jet touched ground, and came up to the private hangar. As Tony climbed out, he saw two familiar faces waiting for him. 

    “Aww, you came to pick me up.”

    “Naw, we were waiting for someone else. Get your ass out of the way,” Rhodey looked up at Tony and smiled. He wheeled his chair over to Tony and held out his hand, but Tony hugged him instead. 

    “I missed you.”

    “Eww, get off, your breath stinks!” Rhodey playfully smacked Tony’s back.

    “Hi Honey,” Tony looked over at Pepper and batted his lashes. She gave him a small smile, one that said “you won’t make me laugh” but Tony knew he would. 

    “How did it go?” 

    “Good. Barton punched me, but other than that it was okay.”

    Pepper didn’t look too happy to hear that. She pursed her lips and folded her arms over her chest.   
    “What?” Rhodey grabbed Tony’s arm. “Come on, tell me you returned the favor.”

    “He was pissed, Rhodey, it was just better to let him get it out. Besides, he didn’t hit that hard.”

    “That’s not a good enough reason,” Pepper cut in, and Tony could see fine, red lines branching out from her eyes. Extremis really made her scary when she was mad, as if it wasn’t bad enough. 

    “Guys, no tarmac fights. It never ends pretty.”

    Pepper and Rhodey looked at each other, then headed back to the car with Tony. 

    “How are the new wheels?” Tony looked over at Rhodey, who shrugged once he was settled in the car.

    “It’s a chair on wheels, Tones. I guess it’s comfy though.”

    “It better be, I made that cushion memory-foam.”

    Rhodey shoved Tony’s arm. 

    “Did you two miss me while I was gone?” 

    “Not really,” Pepper replied, but she smiled at Tony. “I think Friday did though.” 

    “What?” A surprised laugh rose up in Tony’s throat. 

    “She kept calling and reminding me how many days were left in your trip.”

    “In case I didn’t make it back?” Tony spoke in a breezy tone, but Pepper didn’t smile at the comment. She and Rhodey had genuinely expected something to go wrong. While they were glad it didn’t, they didn’t relax until Tony was on his way back to New York. Pepper hadn’t been there to see the fights, but she’d heard more than enough from Rhodey, not to mention the news.


	7. The Spider and the Hawk

    “How was Ross? He been bothering you two?”

    “Only every hour since you left,” Rhodey huffed. “Dude needs a hobby.”

    “So I guess he isn’t done yet,” Tony brought a hand up to his mouth and covered a yawn.  
   
    “Didn’t get much sleep?” Rhodey nudged at Tony gently. 

    “On the plane?”

    “At all.”

    Tony shrugged and rested his head on Rhodey’s shoulder. “I’ll sleep here.”

    “No, come on man, you drool in your sleep!” While Rhodey complained, he didn’t make a move to get Tony away. Tony smiled to himself and closed his eyes, though he wouldn’t say he was particularly comfortable. It was better than nothing though. 

    The car went over a bump, and his eyes opened. 

    _“It’s okay,”_ Tasha’s hand squeezed his gently. _“We’re still safe.”_

_“Where are we going?”_

_“The docks. America.”_

_“Will they help us?”_ Tony was hopeful, something Tasha had long ago lost the capacity for. She had no faith in anything but her training, her ability to survive, but Tony? Tony still believed there was something to look forward to, and she wasn’t going to take that from him. She smiled and nodded. 

    _“Yes, they will. If Hydra says they’re bad, they must be good, right?”_

    She didn’t believe anything she said. Inside, Tasha was terrified down to her core, but she made a promise. Keep Tony safe. Tony smiled back at her, and rested his head back on her shoulder. 

    “Maybe when we get there we can tell them to get Winter, too.”

    “Maybe,” Tasha stroked her thumb across the back of Tony’s hand and decided to let him sleep. She stayed alert, watching every movement from where they sat. The driver hadn’t even noticed when they snuck on, and she would be just as careful when they got off again. She looked around, checking to see if there was anything else they could use. She’d taken some fruit she found, and a few tools. A gun would have been better, but this would have to do. Tasha squeezed down on the corkscrew in her hand, body coiled and ready to strike. She could hear Tony muttering in his sleep.

    _“Don’t…”_ He twitched and curled closer to Tasha, and she pressed her head against his. 

    _“Shh, you’re safe,”_ She whispered, and eventually, the truck lurched to a stop. Tasha listened for the driver, waiting for him to get off before she woke Tony, and they climbed out the back. 

    _“Are we almost there?”_

 _“Yes,”_ Tasha guided Tony down the road, and she could smell sea salt in the air. They were close. So close. 

    A hand rested on Tasha’s shoulder, and she resisted the urge to attack. 

    “Hey,” Steve gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze, and he sat by her on the cot. “Didn’t wanna sleep in your own bed?” 

    “There’s something comforting about stiff, hospital cots,” She looked at Steve, and smiled coyly. “What about you?” 

    “Couldn’t sleep.” 

    “Too much caffeine?” 

    “I wish,” Steve looked over at Bucky’s cryo-chamber then down into his hands. “This is gonna be the longest month of my life.”

    “It’ll be over before you know it.”

    “Did Tony come to see him?” 

    Tasha nodded, and rested back on her hands. “He came and said hi. I think it’ll be easier once we can actually talk to him.”

    “…do you miss him?” 

    Tasha watched Bucky, and listened to the soft beep of the machines monitoring him. She remembered the first time she saw him being put into cryo, back with Hydra. Bucky had lashed out at a handler. He’d been out for too long, and brainwashing alone wasn’t going to work. They deemed him unstable. 

    “Yes, I miss him.”

    “Did you ever try to go back for him?” 

    Tasha kept her expression neutral, but her eyes flooded with regret. She didn’t look at Steve when she replied. 

    “We wanted to. We didn’t know where he was, if he was even still alive. When I started hearing rumors about him, I was relieved. I really thought we could do something this time,” Tasha swallowed back at the tightness in her throat. “He got us out of there, even when he couldn’t save himself.” 

    “Sounds like something Bucky would do. He always was pretty stupid.”

    Tasha smiled and laughed under her breath. “Sounds like someone else I know.”

    “Hmm. Yeah, he’s just like Sam.”   

    Tasha shook her head. “I was talking about you.”

    “Whatever,” Steve gave her a cheeky look. “I’m adorable.”

    “If Bucky were awake, I’m betting he’d say otherwise.”

    “Ah, you can’t trust what he says.” 

    Tasha uncrossed her legs and let them swing over the edge of the cot. She watched the monitors and wondered just what they would face when Bucky finally got out. Everyone was hoping things would go back to normal, but it wasn’t going to happen overnight and she knew it. So she settled for sleeping in the med-bay, and watching over Bucky while he was in cryo. This was the least she could do, stay by his side now that he was back. She knew Tony would want her to stay, especially since he couldn’t. Staying together hadn’t always been easy for them though. There was a time when Tasha went dark. She got tired of waiting for a miracle, and decided to go get Winter herself. Tony couldn’t go; he was in the public eye too much by then, and suddenly leaving to find some long lost friend would raise way too many questions. So she went, alone, and ran into more than a few enemies along the way. Budapest was not the place to survive if Hydra had marked you as an enemy. Tasha chased down leads, followed rumors until they were dead ends, and nearly worked herself into the ground looking for Winter. But whenever she was getting close the trail would stop. It was like Hydra knew what she was looking for, and they kept guiding her further in until she couldn’t escape. 

    When she got caught in the raid she honestly thought it would be her death. Hydra agents had taken residence in an old apartment building and she’d managed to sneak in. None of these men were old enough to remember the Red Room’s most successful asset. They didn’t know who they had invited in for the night. Tasha played her cards well, and pretended not to understand English while they spoke. None of them said very much, until a flash grenade flew in through the window. Tasha was quick in her reaction, and covered her eyes and ears before it went off. It was absolute chaos after that point. Hydra agents scrambled to destroy important documents, and move material out of the rooms for transport, but there were more people flooding into the building. Tasha heard shouting and gunfire downstairs and it was moving up. Fast. She took out a few agents and quickly grabbed whatever weapons she could carry. Was it another agency? Was this a sting? Tasha prepared herself, and made her way out into the hall, easily tearing through one agent after another. She wouldn’t die here. She made a promise. She made a promise. More and more people began flooding in, and eventually, one of them caught her. He pointed an arrow in her face, and Tasha’s first instinct was to raise her gun.


	8. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There isn't much to look forward to now. But maybe...

    _Kill him. Get out._

    But she hesitated. She was still young, despite her abilities. Had she been in the Red Room, she would have been scolded harshly for her inaction. Tasha pointed her gun at the man, eyes focused. 

    _“Whoa,” The man frowned. “You’re just a kid.”_

_“Let me go.”_

_“Can’t, but I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come with me? We can get you some help,”_

_“I need to go,”_ Tasha was moving towards a window at her side, her gaze never leaving the man that stood before her. 

    _“I’m Clint.”_

_“I don’t care.”_

_“What’s your name?”_

_“I have to go.”_

_“Weird name, but we’ll roll with it. Okay, I-have-to-go, what are you doing here?”_

_“I’m not Hydra,”_ She spat, hoping to quash that accusation early on. Of course, being covered in their weapons wasn’t helping her case very much. She pursed her lips, body tense. 

    _“Did they bring you here?”_

    She didn’t answer. 

    _“Not in a talking mood, huh?”_ Clint looked her over, and a few more voices sounded down the hall. _“Look, you can come with me, quietly, or you can go with them by force. It’s up to you, but I’d rather we walk out of here without any fatalities.”_

    There were too many to take on alone. She could hear them in the alley behind her, so the window was a poor escape. She’d never make it to the roof, and the halls had agents on all sides. She was trapped. 

    _“…who are you?”_

_“I told you, Clint.”_

_“No, who do you work for?”_

_“Oh. Coulda made that clearer. SHIELD.”_

    She knew that name. Tasha’s eyes widened, and she lowered her gun. 

    _“So we’re friends now? Good. You wanna tell me your name?”_

    “Tasha.” 

    She’d fallen asleep. Natasha woke with a start and looked around to see who’d spoken. 

    “Were you comfortable sleeping like that?” Clint walked over to the couch where Tasha lay. She’d managed to fall asleep in a tight ball, which she was sure was the reason her neck ached so much. 

    “Not particularly,” She grunted and stretched out her back. 

    “I keep telling you to just sleep on the floor,” Clint sounded so sagely, but it was really just because he could sleep anywhere, and often would. He was worse than Tony in that regard, just falling asleep wherever his feet stopped. Tasha shook her head. 

    “Not all of us sleep like cats, Clint.”

    “Except T’Challa, probably.”

    Tasha smiled, and tried to hide it behind her hand. 

    “How are you holding up?” Clint sat on the armrest opposite Tasha. 

    “I’m good,” She bobbed her head. “Good.” 

    “Good.”

    “Yep.”

    “Uhuh. And now the truth?” Clint gave her a more demanding look. _Don’t lie this time._

    “…Not so good,” She relented. “I miss Tony, I want Bucky back, I…all of this just…sucks.”

    “Ew, you miss Tony?” 

    “We’re actually friends, remember?”

    “Ugh, whatever,” Clint scoffed. “But I guess he’s not too bad.”

    “He’s really not,” Tasha leaned against the back of the couch, and ran her fingers through her hair. “Did you two talk?”

    “After I punched him, yeah, but he had…a few good points. Only a few. Wasn’t like any of us thought we could walk away from this mess with our lives intact.”

    “You could have just stuck to golfing.”

    “Kinda hard when you win every single match.”

    “Have you talked to Laura?” 

    “Yeah. She’s worried, and pissed, but mostly worried. Wanted to make sure you were okay too.”

    “Aww, that’s sweet.”

    “Nate’s getting to be a handful though,” Clint mustered up a smile, but it was tearing him apart not to be with his family. They couldn’t come with him to Wakanda, and he obviously couldn’t go back, at least not yet. Tony had told Clint that he was keeping an eye on Laura and the kids, making sure they would be taken care of while Clint was gone. Still, it wasn’t the same as being there. 

    “I really miss em, Nat.”

    Tasha scooted closer to Clint, and put her hand on his knee. 

    “We’ll be able to go back home soon. Ross can’t keep huffing and puffing like this forever. Eventually, people are going to get tired of him.”

    “How soon is eventually though?” 

    She didn’t have an answer, and she wasn’t going to pretend that she did. They were all missing somebody. Sam had left work abruptly, Clint had left his family, as did Scott. And while they could talk over the phone, even that was becoming a chore. Ross was bearing down on them, hard, and trying everything in his power to lure them back. This wasn’t about the Accords or Bucky anymore; he wanted the Avengers on a silver platter. He’d even tried calling T’Challa, making demands and trying to scare him into handing the Avengers over. Of course, since Ross didn’t have any actual proof that they were in Wakanda, or that T’Challa had helped get them there, he couldn’t make any moves. They had managed to get away, and they were relatively safe, but that would only last so long. Even if Ross moved on, and chased after some of other group of over-powered saps, there would still be people out there who wanted the Avengers gone. Hydra was at the top of the list, presently, followed by about a dozen other groups and individuals. Once, they could have easily identified who the bad guys were, and how to beat them back. Now, nobody on the team was sure who they were fighting anymore. There was so much politics involved in what should have been easy: save people, protect the world. There were bigger threats out there, and they knew it, but here they were, hiding from the very people they fought for. Everything had fallen apart so fast, and they were left wondering what to do with the broken pieces. 

    There was a faint glimmer of hope though, as the first month since they arrived in Wakanda neared its end. Steve was anxious, but hoped this would turn out for the best. A month to let Bucky rest, and let his mind try to sort itself out. Just three more days, and they would be able to start helping Bucky heal. Steve stood in front of the chamber, smiling, and truly happy since they arrived. 

    “T’Challa says they can start whenever you want. You just say the word, and he’ll get the ball rolling,” Steve didn’t expect a response, but it was nice to pretend Bucky could still hear him. None of the others came by to see him, which Steve understood. Bucky was a stranger to them, though Sam did stop by to call Bucky a jerk. Steve felt an obligation, and some part of him was still trying to sort some things out. Where his priorities were, and what he wanted to do from here. He wasn’t Captain America anymore. He couldn’t be. Captain America was a soldier who went where justice pointed him, and fought the bad guys on the other end of the earth. But Steve? Steve was just some kid from Brooklyn who stood up for people when they were in trouble. 

    “I need you back, Buck,” Steve confessed. “I know you need time, but I can’t…” His chest felt tight, and Steve touched the glass of the chamber. He wanted things to feel normal again. He needed some kind of stability in his life, something to hold onto that wouldn’t suddenly be gone if he closed his eyes. Just three more days.


	9. Time to Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally the end of the month, but how will Bucky respond?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this fic so far guys! It really means a lot to me, though I do owe you all an apology: this fic is going to get updated a lot more slowly. I'm still busy with school while also trying to write through this fic.

    Something woke Tasha from her sleep that night. She opened her eyes, but didn’t move right away. Instead, she went completely still, and listened for another sound. Was someone nearby? She reached for her gun, but it wasn’t there. Right, all her weapons had been taken when she arrived at SHIELD. They didn’t want to take any risks with her. Smart, although now she was wishing they were just a little dumber. Tasha sat up slowly, and moved towards the door. The sound hadn’t come from the room they’d given her, so it had to be outside. She heard voices, and listened to what they were saying. 

    _“She’s just a kid, Nick. Go easy on her.”_

_“Just a kid? Did you see what she did to those agents, or are we talking about a different person?”_

_“She’s scared.”_

_“She should be. Being scared is what saved your ass when you got caught.”_

    She knew one of the voices, but she hadn’t heard the other before. Whoever he was, this man sounded like he was in charge, this Nick. Tasha kept perfectly still until the voices moved closer. She heard someone reach for the doorknob, and she quickly went back to her bed. Her first instinct was to hide, and ambush the men when they came in. Instead, she sat on the bed, and waited. After a tense minute, someone knocked. 

    _“Hey Kid, you awake in there?”_

    Kid. She was thirty five by now, although she supposed she didn’t really look the part. 

    _“Kid?”_

 _“Come in,”_ She finally responded, and the door opened. Clint stepped through first, and flipped the lights on. 

    _“Hey, brought someone for you to meet.”_

    The other man, Nick, stepped through behind Clint, and nodded his head at Tasha. 

    _“Welcome to SHIELD. How are you liking the room?”_

    Tasha eyed him with sharp skepticism, studying every move he made, and how he held himself. He was in charge of this place, that much she could tell, and despite his age, she could see that he still knew how to fight. 

    _“It’s adequate.”_

_“Only adequate? We gave you the grand suite.”_

    Tasha didn’t respond, though Clint chuckled. 

    _“Do you know who I am?”_ Nick took a step closer to the bed, and though Tasha didn’t move, she braced herself. 

    _“Nick. I heard you speaking through the door.”_

 _“Nick Fury,”_ He corrected. _“I’m the director of SHIELD. I’m sure you know what that is, right?”_

    Tasha stayed quiet, and slowly nodded her head. How much did this man know about her? His hand moved for the folder tucked under his arm, and her eyes quickly darted to it. 

    _“Natalia Romanov, agent of the Red Room, and former Hydra asset. That sound about right?”_ Nick set the folder on the bed, but Tasha didn’t move to look through it. Instead, she kept her eyes on him. 

    _“Relax, we won’t hurt you.”_

_“Would you tell me if you were?”_

    Nick’s lips formed a smile, and he shook his head. 

    _“You’re a smart woman. Think you could answer a few questions while I’ve got you here?”_

_“Depends on the questions.”_

    Nick pulled a chair over, and sat down in front of the bed. 

    _“It says former asset in that file. So who do you work for currently?”_

_“No one.”_

_“What were you doing at that base we raided?”_

_“Escaping.”_

_“You’re not being very helpful.”_

_“I’m not trying to be.”_

_“I can see that,”_ Nick rubbed at his chin, and leaned forward on the chair. _“Former. You left Hydra, which I’m assuming means you’re not inclined to go back willingly. Agent Barton tells me you didn’t lower your guns until he said he was with SHIELD. You’re either scared, or there’s something you need help with.”_

    He was pretty smart for an old man. Tasha’s mind whirled like mad, trying to get something from him. All she could tell just by looking was that he’d eaten a sandwich, and missed the crumbs on the collar of his shirt. She fought the urge to give away her anxiety, but she needed answers. She needed help. 

    _“I’m looking for someone.”_

_“Who?”_

_“His name is…”_

    “Bucky,” Steve whispered the name as the cryo-chamber was opened, and Bucky’s vitals were brought back to normal. This would be tricky, since no one could be sure how Bucky would react once he was awake. Wanda was on stand-by in case they needed to hold him down. She watched tentatively, magic flickering at her fingertips. 

    “Give him space,” One of the medics on staff looked at everyone with a commanding air before her gaze fixed on Steve. _“More_ space.”

    Steve clenched his jaw, but took another step back. Tasha couldn’t help smiling a bit, and she put a hand on Steve’s back. 

    “You got in trouble.”

    “Not helping, Nat.”

    “Vitals are steadily rising.” 

    T’Challa had his arms folded over his chest, and he watched as the monitors were removed from Bucky’s arms and chest. He was still unconscious, but the neural scans showed him slowly coming back to. 

    “Alright,” The medic looked over at Steve. “Talk to him. Keep him calm.”

    “Can I…?”

    “Yes, _now_ you can get close,” She nodded and went back to her screens. Steve stepped up beside the chamber, and felt his throat go dry. All those days he’d spent talking to Bucky, and now he didn’t know what to say. 

    “Buck, can you hear me? It’s Steve. I don’t know if you remember, but we’re in Wakanda. We came here with T’Challa, and the rest of the Avengers. You’re safe.”

    At first, nothing happened, but then Bucky’s brow wrinkled. He was trying to wake up. Bucky slowly moved his fingers and let out a long, slow breath that tapered into a groan. 

    “It’s okay, Buck, you’re safe. We all are. You can wake up, it’s okay,” Steve tried urging Bucky on, his heart racing in his chest. Bucky’s lips moved, though Steve couldn’t quite hear what he’d said. 

    “Buck, open your eyes.”


	10. Long Way to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's awake, and alive, but is that what Bucky wants?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading up to this point! There will be some delay in future chapters while I write through and edit them, so please, bear with me!

    Bucky turned his head, like he was trying to shake himself awake. He blinked his eyes open, and everything started to slowly adjust before him. The vague shapes and colors took form, and he saw Steve standing there. 

    “Hey,” Steve greeted, and smiled warmly when Bucky’s eyes finally opened. “Can you hear me?”

    Bucky moved his lips again, still groggy after having been in cryo so long. This was different from the times he’d been woken with Hydra. It was always rushed, messy, and cold. Now, he was being given the chance to wake on his own terms. Steve reached out, and put his hand on Bucky’s cheek.

    “It’s real, Buck. You got out. You’re safe now.”

    “Stevie…?” Bucky finally managed to speak, his voice sore and garbled.

    “Yeah, it’s me.”

    “…got bigger…”

    Steve looked over at the medic, but she just shook her head. 

    “This is normal. It will take him a moment to fully remember what happened. He is coming off of very potent tranquilizers, Mr. Rogers.”

    That was a relief, if also a little unsettling. Though as long as Bucky remembered him, Steve could handle it. He looked back at Bucky, and helped him move from the chamber to a bed that had been pulled up. 

    “Easy does it, Buck.”

    “Stevie, you got so big,” Bucky frowned. “You look…like you ate two of you.”

    Wanda let out a quiet laugh, and covered her mouth quickly.

    “I didn’t,” Steve rubbed Bucky’s arm, watching the bewilderment on his face turn to confusion.

    “Wait…you were already big,” Bucky scrunched his face, and tried to move his other hand. He looked down, and his eyes widened in sheer terror. “Oh God…!” 

    “Bucky, hey, look at me,” Steve put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “Buck, look at me!” 

    Bucky grabbed onto Steve, shaking and muttering about his arm. “What happened? Where’s my arm?!” 

    “Buck, I need you to calm down,” Steve brought his hands up, and held Bucky’s face, forcing him to look at Steve. “You’ve been in cryo, and we just woke you up. The tranquilizers they gave you caused some confusion, but trust me, you’re fine.”

    “My arm…! My arm!” Bucky lashed out, and Steve fought to hold him down. Wanda’s eyes flashed, and she stepped towards them but Steve waved her off. 

    “No, not yet! I can do this!” 

    “Get off!” Bucky shouted, and tried to shove Steve over. 

    “Bucky, listen to me!” 

    “Soldat!” Tasha spoke up suddenly, and Bucky froze. He looked over at Tasha, his heart beating so hard that he could feel it booming through his skull. She stepped towards him, her calm veneer still fully intact. And surprisingly, Bucky went lax on the bed.

    “…Red,” He whispered, and Tasha reached over, and put her hand on his chest. 

    “You’re okay. We got out. All of us did.” 

    Bucky’s eyes filled with tears, and he smiled at her weakly before frowning again. 

    “Where’s Tony?” He looked around the room, and everything that happened up to this point slowly came back to him. Flashes of a fight sprang before his eyes, and running away from guards while Steve chased after him. A bomb, and then he was caught again. Safe, and then not. Bucky wiped his tears away on his arm then quickly looked back at Tasha. 

    “He’s okay. He…”

    “He stayed.”

    Tasha nodded. “He’s back in New York. He wanted to be here, but he couldn’t make it.” 

    Steve climbed off the bed, and gave Bucky a little space to catch his breath. He wasn’t sure what was going on in Bucky’s mind, but it must have been an absolute mess in there. So many things to remember, and so much he probably wanted to forget. Bucky lay back on the bed, watching Tasha. 

    “He said he would be here.” 

    “Who?” 

    “Tony.”

    “He,” Tasha looked confused for a moment, before remembering the conversation Tony had with Bucky before he left. “You could hear him?” 

    Bucky nodded then looked over at Steve. “And you too. You talk a lot.”

    “Leave me alone, I missed you,” Steve stuck out his lower lip, but he was happier than he had been in a long time. T’Challa stepped up, relieved that the initial shock had worn off. 

    “Whenever you’re ready, James.”

    Bucky looked apprehensive, but at this point, he was willing to give anything a try. His month in cryo had been so vastly different from all the times before. He wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was just because this wasn’t Hydra, or maybe it was the fact that his mind hadn’t been wiped before, but everything had been like a chaotic mixture of dreams and reality. He dreamed of his life in Brooklyn, well before he became the Winter Soldier. Suddenly, his arm would be gone, and he would be standing in the heli-carrier, facing off against Steve, only he wasn’t Captain America. He was just Steve; that scrawny kid that used to get beat up in every alley up and down the block from their apartment. Steve held his hand out to Bucky, and the carrier started going down. And then the dreams would change again. He was in the chair, being strapped down, and across from him was Tony in a similar state. He was full-grown, crying as he tried to reach out to Bucky. They were both shocked, and then everything changed again. Nothing stayed still for long, and he wasn’t sure if the dreams had brought him comfort, or just made him feel worse. At least now, he was awake. He was real again.


	11. Things Get Better...Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You like plums, right?

    And the first thing real Bucky wanted to do was get some food in his stomach. A nice, full meal was brought in, and Bucky ate until he was pretty sure his stomach was going to pop. As a joke, Steve brought him some plums. 

    “Asshole.”

    “What, I thought you’d like em.”

    Bucky shook his head, but he ended up eating them anyway. 

    “How are you feeling?” 

    “I dunno. I might feel like crap later but right now, I dunno,” Bucky wiped his lips and huffed. He rested back on the pillows, and looked around the spacious, well-lit room where he’d spent his first month in Wakanda. 

    “That’s a nice view.”

    “It is,” Steve nodded, looking out the windows all around them. “Even better when you actually go outside, unless you hate mosquitoes.” 

    “They got em bad here?” 

    “Not any worse than the States, but come on, they’re mosquitoes.” 

    “True,” Bucky looked over at Steve, and gave a half-smile. “What are you thinkin’, Stevie?”

    “Nothing.”

    “You’re a bad liar. I can see smoke coming out of your ears, you’re thinking so hard,” Bucky teased, though he had a good idea what Steve was thinking about. It wasn’t exactly hard to guess, especially since Steve had asked some of his questions while Bucky was under. Steve fiddled with his hands, just watching Bucky. 

    “Later. Right now, you gotta rest.” 

    “You can talk to me, Stevie. Please. I need to hear something real right now.”

    Steve held Bucky’s hand, and felt a heavy weight settle in his chest. 

    “It’s real, all of this. I promise.”

    “How was Tony?” 

    “He’s getting better. Kinda wish I hadn’t sent him that phone though. Now he calls all the time or sends messages. He’s like an annoying kid, but older and less cute.”

    “Be nice to my annoying kid.”

    “So, you remember him now?” 

    Bucky’s face settled into a morose expression. “I always did.” 

    “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

    _Because he doesn’t need me anymore,_ was his first thought, but Bucky couldn’t say that to Steve. It would break whatever was left of Steve’s too-soft heart, and Bucky didn’t want to do more damage than he already had. Bucky looked at Steve, and shrugged. 

    “I didn’t know what to say.”

    He didn’t buy it, but given the circumstances, Steve didn’t argue. Bucky was being chased down by just about every government body in the world. He was in a state of mental turmoil, and trying to figure out what to do with the information he had. It wouldn’t exactly have made sense for him to stop in the middle of all that just to explain these details to Steve. Still, it left Steve wanting more. Lately, it felt like everyone was waiting until secrets couldn’t be kept secret anymore, and it was causing more problems than it was worth. 

    “Were you ever going to tell me?” 

    Bucky stared at his hand, brows furrowed. He wanted to tell Steve something to cheer him up, but at this point, it was too exhausting to lie. He finally rested his head back against the pillows, and let out a resigned breath. 

    “I don’t know.”

    “Tony was pretty pissed that you didn’t recognize him. He was worried Hydra did something to you.”

    “They were always doing something,” Bucky sank back into his pillows like he was trying to melt. He looked out the massive windows all around him, and wondered how long he would be able to stay out this time. How long would it be before someone else came out of the dust and made him hurt innocent people? 

    “Do you wanna talk to him?” 

    Bucky went rigid, and Steve figured out the answer to that question. 

    “He really wants to see you.” 

    “I killed his parents, and now he knows.” 

    “He doesn’t hate you, Buck.”

    “He should. They all should,” Tears blurred his vision, and Bucky quickly blinked them back. 

    “You didn’t have control, Bucky.” 

    “It doesn’t matter!” Bucky shouted, and pressed his face into his hand. “God…!” He choked out a sob, and curled up on the bed. Steve sat absolutely still, gripping the edges of his seat. He had hoped that it would bring some kind of solace to Bucky, the knowledge that he didn’t have a choice. The things he’d done weren’t his decision, but the twisted desire of a group of vile people. It wasn’t fair. They got to walk away without a care in the world, some of them dead, some of them in prison, but the only one that shouldered the agony of those crimes was Bucky. Steve reached over tentatively, and put his hand on Bucky’s knee. 

    “Bucky.” 

    He flinched and stared up at Steve. 

    “It’s gonna be okay. We can’t change what happened, but we can make things better. But you gotta let me help you.”   
Bucky sniffled, and wiped his face on the blankets. “What if you can’t?”   
“Seriously?” Steve looked at Bucky with a small, cocky smile. “You think I’m gonna give up anytime soon?”   
Bucky smiled back. “Guess not.”   
“We’re gonna go to therapy, alright? Both of us are, and we’re gonna get through this. I’ve lost you too many times to let it happen again.”  
Bucky nodded, and reached down to hold onto Steve’s hand. It felt warm in his grasp, safe and grounding. As long as he could hear Steve’s voice, he was sure of at least one thing: he was Bucky. Despite what Hydra had done, and what he had been molded into, he could fall back on that. There was still someone out there that he mattered to. The image of Tony and Tasha flashed before his eyes, and Bucky heaved a sigh.


End file.
